I knew what the "mommy wars" were before my daughter was even a little twinkle in my eye. Media sensationalists and Internet bloggers (of which I am joining the fearless ranks) were very clear: prepare yourselves ladies. Being a mom is nothing short of running headfirst into battle, Braveheart style. The idea was intimidating. The stage was set: once you become a parent, legions of women will be there watching you, sizing you up, judging you.
The truth is, we make judgements every single day. We judge if we are full after eating lunch or if we should grab a snack to tide us over to the next meal. We judge the distance between two steps so that we don't trip down the stairs. We judge whether the person taking their sweet time in front of us at the grocery store will head for checkout lane 4 or lane 5 so we can finally walk around them. And we judge if that person at the expressway exit really needs that two bucks we just handed them out of our open car window, or if they are just going to blow it all on booze.
Judgement is a part of life. It is necessary. It is inescapable. And it is not the root of all evil.
The fact of the matter is, "judgement" has become the scapegoat du jour in modern parenting communities. It is used as an explanation, an excuse, a defense mechanism, and a mask we shield our insecurities behind. "That mom has different values than I do, she is judging me." "Every time you mention how you did ABC while I do XYZ, you judge me." "All the moms wearing blue are so judgmental. Look how they never wear green or yellow when we do!"
Sounds kind of ridiculous, right? It's because it is. Crying "judgement" on mom frenemies is a hot trend, and it's pretty nauseating. In many cases, it is to the point where you cannot share a differing opinion or share an experience or even present scientific data without being a "judgy," opinionated mom loathed by others and ostracized for simply trying to find a way to join in a conversation in which you have a stake. The thing is ... most statements are not judgements. They just aren't. Just because they involve a "hot topic" or conflicting information doesn't mean they are measuring up your worth as a mom.
Honestly, I don't sit around sorting the moms I know into piles of "good moms," "shitty moms," and "okay enough for me to talk to moms." There are just moms. Moms that are my close friends are that way because we have kids the same age and both enjoy hairclips or because we went to the same college or, sometimes, because we share parenting values, not because I have judged them and dumped them into the "best moms" pile.
Motherhood is a journey. It is a symbiotic relationship between each individual woman and each individual child. There is no way to capture the complexities, emotions, unspoken understandings, and love that exists for each mother-child pair. And to allow a complete stranger to dictate your relationship with your child with "judgements" that don't really exist belittles your experience and puts cracks in the foundation of your inherent parenthood. It's letting someone else call your shots. Just as no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, judgement comes from within yourself, not because a stranger on the Internet said you should have breastfeed for longer/cloth diapered your child/never allowed your child in your bed. "Judgements" hidden inside of other people's statements are a projection of insecurities, not a past time of bored housewives who believe their way of parenting is superior.
I am insecure about my daughter's birth. If I could go back, I would have done a hundred things differently. Sixteen months later, I am still coping with and moving past the induction and "emergency" c-section. It is an aspect of my parenting that I feel weak about, but it is also something I am actively working on accepting.
When someone says "inductions are dangerous" I do not feel judged. It is a scientifically proven fact that healthy pregnancies that are induced into labor using Pitocin are more likely to experience complications that put mom and baby at risk than if the mother had gone into labor naturally.
When someone says "I would never have a c-section" I do not feel judged. When I was pregnant, I said the same thing many times. With proper knowledge and information, c-section rates drop dramatically. I wish I had been equipped with both of those, as my would never would still be true.
When someone shares the story of their beautiful and awe-inspiring natural water homebirth I do not feel judged. How egotistical would that be? Someone else's experience is not my own, and it carries no weight on my experience. DO I actively seek out stories of wonderful labors? Not really. It hurts too much right now to hear of successes that I did not experience, but that does not mean that those natural birthing mamas are "judging" my surgical delivery.
When someone says "if you had been smarter you would not have had an induction" I do not feel judged. They do not know my situation, and they weren't there for my daughter's birth. Their opinion means very little to me, as someone who would say that to me is probably not someone I care about.
When do I feel judged? I feel judged by myself when I let myself down, when I know I could have done better. When I come home from work and all I want to do is stare blankly at the television even though I have been away from my daughter all day and all she wants to do is have my undivided attention. I use judgement to hold myself to a higher standard.
The Accidental Cosleeper is about personal judgement. It is not about belittling the mom experiences of others. It is about holding ourselves to a higher standard. It is about knowing better and doing better. It is where the "mommy wars" stop and mommy growth begins.
~ Kimberly
I think its so admirable you are willing to share your beliefs, for how you raise your children is,to me, a kind religion, without worrying about being judged. I will be readin all of these! Good job momma and keep it up its really beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment, Erica, and thanks for stopping by! :)
Delete"I use judgement to hold myself to a higher standard..." Thank you for that! THAT is the kind of judgement I NEED. It is judgement I can feel good about, it is judgement that I will benefit from. What a relief to finally realize that I do not need to judge myself for not being 'supermom' but to judge myself so that I can be a 'better' mom. I read that and the light bulb over my head came on. Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteMelissa, thank you so much for your comment! It took me a long time to realize that the only competition I had was with myself. I am so glad that my words were able to help you. :)
DeleteLove this post! Out of four births I can say that the each went completely differently, rarely exactly as planned. I had the first one in a hospital, the second one at home, the third started at a birthing center but was eventually birthed at a hospital. My number four was induced and I so feel your pain on that one. He is three and I still have moments of serious guilt because I know breastfeeding would have been successful if Pitocin had not wrecked my baby and me. Yet, he is healthy and wonderful and beautiful, so like you, I learn to let the judgement drop. It DID help me to not judge other mothers who use formula - I never thought I would have bottle fed!
ReplyDeleteYou have quite a gem there - using your own judgement to hold yourself to a higher standard. I like that! We can always do better. I always knew you would be a good mom, but I would never have guessed that I would be learning so much from someone much younger. Thanks for sharing.