Endeavor to "Never"

When I was a child, every slight offense my parents made inspired a new "never." By the time I was a teenage, I had an impossibly long running list of "nevers" I would keep to when I became a parent. "I would never make my kid eat vegetables." "I would never make my kid go to sleep by 8." "I would never tell my kid I won't buy him something." So on an so forth.

As I became an adult the silly "nevers" that I had come up with as a child seemed ridiculous as reality sort of set in. The "nevers" trasnformed and reinvented themselves. "I would never make my kid eat vegetables" became "I would never serve my kid an unbalanced meal." "I would never make my kid go to sleep by 8" became "I would never let my child not get enough sleep." I was idealizing a parenthood that I still felt to be a long way off. It was a parenthood informed by memories of my own childhood, information gathering from my baby-sitting gigs, and what I saw taking place when visiting local parks or malls. None of the "nevers" were actually based in any kind of firsthand experience--how could they have been? I was not yet a parent.

When we found out that I was pregnant with my daughter, the "nevers" once again went through a type of metamorphosis. Now that I was going to be one, the "nevers" were for real. The "nevers" were actually going to have to be put into practice. the "nevers" were coming, and they were coming fast. As I poured over baby books, I had to refine, edit, and cut down my "nevers." I had to make them seem feasible and reasonable. As my due date approached, I felt at peace. I felt like my "nevers" were sensible, and would help to grow the child I thought that I needed to have.

Then, tragedy struck.

My very first "never" was shattered into a million pieces the night my daughter was born. "I will never have a c-section" was a never that I had held onto for a very long time--way before the beginning of my pregnancy, or even my foray into adulthood. And as the glass fell from that "never" I felt defeated, less than, incapable. My first "never" was broken before I was even a parent. Failure was the word the stuck in my mind, burning its letters in so deep I saw them even through my newborn daughter's smile.

I felt broken, I felt depressed. I felt as though my "never" had led me through a hall of mirrors that ended in an empty dungeon. As I began processing and picking up the pieces of my "never," I knew that "never" was something that could no longer be a part of my vocabulary. "Never" set me up. "Never" created an expectation that, when unfulfilled, nearly destroyed me.

Once again, I needed to reinvent the "nevers."

That was when I decided I was going to endeavor to never. In an ideal world, would I never? Absolutely. But since when do we live in an ideal world? We don't. We live in reality, where you can't control the outside forces and people are human. We make mistakes. Just because we are parents don't make us immune to humanity. And that is OK. It is OK to fall. It is OK to break your "never".

But what happens after you break the "never"? Do you give up? Do you say, "eff this" and throw caution to the wind? Or do you learn from your experience and endeavor to never ever again?

I am not resigning myself to birthing all of my children via cesarean. I am endeavoring to never again. I am already seeking out the knowledge and support I will need to be successful with a vaginal delivery next time. Because I now know better, I am endeavoring to do better.

There are so many things I am sure of as a parent. There are so many things I am unsure of. There are so many experiences I have not had yet with my daughter. There are so many "nevers" that I have about raising her. But the "nevers" are easy to hold onto when they have not yet existed. "I would never tell my teenage daughter who she can or cannot date" is easy to say when your daughter is seventeen months old and you cannot even fathom her wiping her own butt after going to the bathroom let alone going on a date with another actual human being. But I can endeavor to never. I can endeavor to never dictate my daughter's romantic entanglements for her. But I can't say for sure, because I have not been there yet.

Endeavoring to never acknowledges our humanness. It says, "yes, you want better for your kid, but you don't live in a vacuum. Shit happens, you deal with it as best you can, you learn from your mistakes and experiences, and you move on." When we endeavor to never, we look for the better, but we don't fall when we fail because we don't fail. We only stumble.

No parent is perfect. But we can try. We can endeavor to never because our children deserve it. They deserve parents who are trying harder, who are holding themselves to higher standards. They deserve parents who are informed and involved. They deserve the endeavor.

- Kimberly